For as long as I can remember I've had a bit of a dodgy relationship with food. I've went through phases of cutting out things for no apparent reason, listening to wellness bloggers, eating "clean"...pretty much every food-related fad. I spent months of my life when I was 16 using Blogilates as my lifestyle guru and doing daily pilates on an almost carb-free, "clean" diet. I saw sugar as a scary, super evil thing for a year of my life and almost stopped eating fruit because of the natural sugar content. Basically, my mind was totally warped for a good chunk of my teenage life and it's had a lasting effect on my relationship with food. I would honestly put a lot of the blame on people who promote clean eating and "wellness", as I fell deep into that pit at a time in my life when I was super impressionable and self-conscious, but I don't feel anywhere near qualified to talk about these things so I'll just refer you all to my absolute queen, Ruby Tandoh. Follow her on twitter, buy her book, fall in love with her she's incredible ugh.
For the past couple of years I've made a conscious effort to eat. Sounds simple but it isn't always. My way of doing that was cooking, reverting back to a vegetarian diet after a few years of eating meat, and pretty much just eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. My relationship with food started to get so much better, I was the healthiest I've ever been and I had a really positive relationship with my body. It was all pretty great and I kinda just forgot about how I'd previously been with food. Then I got a bit of a shock. You might be wondering why I'm even writing this now but that wee shock happened just over a week ago and I'm needing to do some reflection and get myself back on track. Without getting too specific, I stepped on the scales for the first time in months and saw a weight that reminded me of when I was 16 and eating a lot less than I should have been. Shook me up a bit.
First thing I did when I saw the number was tell my mum and boyfriend because if I've learned anything from struggling with food, it's that the most important thing is to have support. There's no way I could get myself back on track all by myself. Second thing I did was think about how it had actually happened. I got stuck in my own head for a couple of days and definitely didn't handle the situation the way I maybe should have, but that reflection needed to happen and I'm happy it did. I realised I'd reverted back to some of the harmful behaviours from a few years ago, mainly skipping meals because I was "too busy". Spoiler alert: you're never too busy to eat. That reflection made me decide to make food my priority and stop making excuses for not eating. Skipping breakfast because I have an early start at uni is one thing, but when that happens twice a week, every week, for 6 months....that becomes an issue, Then add on missed lunches a couple times a week. Add on cutting out dairy and chocolate to help clear up my skin. It all kinda spiralled into a big ol' mess.
Sooooo, what am I gonna do? I'm falling back in love with food. I'm making an effort to cook at least once a week, to make banana bread every weekend, to make really nice lunches for myself whether I'm at uni or not, and to see all food as good. There is no such thing as bad food, no such thing as "clean" eating, and wellness is bullshit. I've already had some bad days and some struggles but I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. It's a journey, a process, and it's gonna take time. I'm making an effort to educate myself on what it really means to eat well (people like Ruby Tandoh are making this possible with articles like this one) and, most importantly, I'm taking a page out of Ruby's book and I'm eating what I want. I had a really good brownie today.
A whole lot of love,
Catriona xo